My Unapologetic Song of Praise to My Daughter, Siena.

I spend a lot of my time tempering my expression of enthusiasm about all things Siena-related. I think a lot about the fact that although her  bowel movements are fascinating to her father and me they are uninteresting and displeasing to just about everyone else. After living in baby-crazed Park Slope for many years as a non-parent, I am keenly aware that the importance one gives to his/her child is generally not shared by the greater society, for example, those two friends catching up over coffee who are not amused by the hyperactive tot running back and forth in the cafe. When Siena does something clever I put it in perspective, reminding myself this is a perfectly normal skill for a child of her age.  I do not hold back my praise to Siena and tell her several times a day that she is smart, clever, fun, funny and beautiful (in that order), but I otherwise tone it down. When catching up with friends I talk about Siena but I don't focus on her. I'll generalize, saying things like 'she's wonderful', 'talking  now and walking', 'she can kick a ball'. In truth, to me she isn't just wonderful, she is magic!  And when I catch myself gushing  I quickly throw in some frustrating aspect of parenting, like she hasn't been sleeping well or she chucks more of her food on the floor than she puts in her mouth at meal time. Maybe it's because I am guilty myself of having judged other moms for speaking of their children like they are the Second Coming of Christ. I'd  smile politely but really want to tell them to reel it in and get a grip. But the truth is I feel the same way about Siena. There are billions of kids in the world, they can't all be the  best, right? But in fact, they are all the best or at least should be in their parents' eyes.  I don't think this brief reflection will change my approach to discussing Siena, I will continue holding back when I am actually bursting for fear of sounding obnoxious. But I will appreciate instead of critique my starry eyed mom friends because they are doing just what they should be doing, falling in love with their children. 


For the record speaking from the heart, Siena, you amaze me. You are a genius and you are perfect. You are funny and gorgeous. You are the embodiment of joy. Your smile can cure disease and your laughter can stop war.  You are all that is right with the world. You are smart, you are clever, you are fun, you are funny, you are beautiful and I love you! 


You have a strong will of your own but you also listen and respect when mama tells you 'no'. You say thank you and always try to share your food and toys.  You are affectionate, kissing all your toys and characters in your books. For a 15 month old you have an incredibly long attention span getting absorbed in stories we read cover to cover. You love to sing and you sing happy tunes to yourself every day.  At nursery, you sang a song and all the other  babies stopped to listen. You love bath time and will splash and laugh until the water gets too cold and you have to come out. When you are happy, you express it with your whole body, flailing your arms, kicking your feet and squealing. You are so curious and interested and excited by new places and discoveries. You are a people person and feel quite comfortable approaching other kids to play. You love when mama chases you. You love to play with balls and cars and babies. When I speak to you, I can see in your eyes you understand, when I tell you you are smart you give me a bashful smile and when I tell you I love you, you know it's true.  Mama and Dada are so proud of you. You surprise us everyday by your cleverness.  You bring us joy we have never felt before.  We love you, our girl.

Have a Royally Great 2014!

For years Rob and I have discussed our desire to send out holiday cards to family and friends. We really enjoy receiving cards each year and appreciate the thought and effort behind them. But the holidays would creep up and I never got my act together in time to send anything out. After Siena was born I felt a more pressing need to spread holiday cheer by way of a card with a cute baby pic and cliched if not clever festive phrase. But sending holiday cards was my lowest priority just two months after Siena was born. She was still in a harness to correct her hip dysplasia and we were still going back and forth to the doctors to check her abnormal kidneys. I was still very much wearing pregnancy pants and barely on the other side of severe baby blues. So the holidays came and went without our personal greeting. This year should have been different but as the holidays approached I had a card idea in mind I could not shake but also could not execute. Instead of scrambling for a back up plan I let the holidays come and go and with each card containing a little cutie that slid through our mail slot I was hit with a slight pang of guilt and regret. I decided to ask a photo savvy friend to help with my card idea even though it's too late to make the 2013 season. Although the card never reached your door know our sentiments and wishes remain for a happy and healthy new year and lots of love your way! 

XO, 

Lia, Rob and Siena Kate

P.S. My New Years resolution is to get a head start on holiday cards for 2014. 

Happy Birthday Siena Kate!

One month ago my daughter celebrated her first birthday. To mark the occasion, we held a small party at our London flat. As much as I loved the planning and prepping process - conceptualizing and crafting, decorating and baking -I am fully aware (as my husband repeatedly pointed out) that most of those details would be lost on the birthday girl. Hopefully one day Siena will look at the pictures from that day and realize the effort and care that went in to make her day special. But more than the color scheme and cupcakes what I will remember from that day is the happy guest of honor as she squealed with joy in the ball pit. How she clapped after every song we sang during rhyme time and leaned in to repeatedly kiss a toy dog she was smitten with as soon as it was opened. I'll remember her slamming on her new drum and pointing emphatically at the many balloons. How, when her first birthday cake was placed in front of her she mushed it between her fingers curiously but didn't think to eat it until grandma picked up a piece and put it in her mouth. She then began to eat it by the double-fist full before climbing onto the cake as everyone watched on with amusement. I will remember the rain outside only highlighted the warmth and comfort in the room. And that the pride and love on grandma and grandpa's faces as they watched Siena crawl around in her pretty party dress(es) was only matched by that of her beaming parents.

Happy Birthday My Darling Girl!   

Divided

I love London, New York is home. I love to travel - seeing, tasting, experiencing new things. New York holds family, old friends, familiarity, comfort. I will forever miss London life, New York completes me. I'm straddling two lives, blessed to feel happy here and there but slightly unsettled as each one has something the other can't offer. It took time and effort to make London home and for now it is, but for how long? Regardless, my life has already been enriched, my eyes opened a bit wider, vocabulary topped up.

A Moment Worth Remembering

It's 4:39 am, I just came back to bed after holding Siena for 10 (or so) blissful minutes. She doesn't typically require being held in the middle of the night since she has been a pretty good sleeper from the time she was just a few weeks old. So when I heard her struggling in bed and the usual paci trick didn't calm her, I decided to hold her in my arms which never fails to soothe her. As I held her, I sat in the nursery chair it had taken me months of comparison shopping to finally commit to. During pregnancy I had imagined nights just like this one. A light from the bathroom across the hall cast a slight glow in the nursery allowing me to study my daughter's delicate features in the shadowy room. I ran my fingers through her hair which was styled by grandma earlier in the day and now stood up several inches before sweeping down like a perfect surfer's wave. I thought, will I remember this moment? Probably not. Suddenly her eyes fluttered open and met mine. We gazed at one another and she let out a gentle sigh her dad and I recognize as a sign of her contentment. She reached out her hand and softly landed it on my shoulder. I looked down and tried to take a mental picture of that tiny chubby outstretched hand. 


After a few minutes her eyes became heavy and closed. I bent over to smell her skin and kiss her goodnight once again before placing her back in her crib. I am certain there have been moments like this one since I became a mother 6 and a half months ago, and I hope there will be many more, although nights of uninterrupted sleep are wonderful too. I know I should have tried to go right back to sleep but I was too scared that I would lose the memory of that moment which is worth so much more to me than a few minutes sleep.

Asleep in Dada's arms at 4 months old. 

Random Thoughts After 6 Months of Motherhood

Every day, several times a day, for the past 6 months I have said to myself, I am a mother, I have a daughter, she is real, she is here, she is forever. I say it as if pinching myself, this is not a dream. I am fascinated by every hair on her head (and there are many), her smell and movements, and expressions. I cry when I think about her sweet innocence. I want to shield her as long as I can from the scary bits of the world. I can't be sure of what she does know at 6 months old but she does not know war. She does not know disease, or poverty, or jealousy or bullying, politics or global warming.  She has laid in the grass and tasted banana, listened to the Beatles, seen snow and sun. And above all she does know love because her dada and I shower her in it when she is awake and when she is asleep.

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The saying "what a difference a day makes" has never felt as meaningful as it has since I became a mother.  The changes in Siena from one day to the next are both subtle and dramatic; from her growing hair and lashes, her 2 new teeth, discovering her toes, to eating her toes, eating potatoes and broccoli, recognizing her mama and dada, rolling over, sleeping on her tummy, reaching with purpose, finding her voice. Her smile which seemed to never come now melts the heart of everyone she meets and her laughter is the sweetest sound ever uttered. She loves to stand, and to dance with mama and dada to hip-hop, house, and the UK top 40.

Less transparent but equally profound are the daily changes in me since the birth of Siena. Six months ago I became a mother. Although the title was thrust upon me on September 18, the meaning did not resonate. I was terrified, insecure, having trouble feeling a bond with Siena, depressed. I wanted my pre-baby life back and worried I would never feel like myself again. Today, I own the title mom, I wear it with confidence, competence and pride. I am madly in love with my daugher, and I'm happy. I am having a love affair with London, making true friendships and realizing I will never get my pre-baby life back but will learn to strike a balance between motherhood and me. I haven't gotten there yet.

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Last week Rob and I went to an accounting firm to discuss our tax preparation. I did not give much thought to this errand but when I walked into the office building in the center of London I became immediately self-conscious. I walked in to reception and was greeted by women in heels and tailored clothes with brushed hair. I looked down at my ripped stretched out jeans and shirt adorned with fresh spit up and felt uncomfortable and out of place. The past several months I have been living in a 1950's bubble. My life consists of going for walks, meeting other mums at Starbucks, grocery shopping. I can't even drive here. It's the twilight zone. And I've been so caught up in it I nearly forgot how the other half live. How did that happen so quickly? I felt so disconnected from the women in that office, who go to happy hours and discuss that big promotion. My life is consumed with weaning, teething and nappy rash. How bizarre. I miss professional Lia but the longer I am full-time mom the harder it is for me to imagine separating from Siena. How do women do it?

No Day But Today

Halfway through the overnight flight from NY to London, after I had resigned myself to a sleepless flight, I scanned through the dozens of movie and TV options on the personal screen in front of me, and settled on Rent. With Siena sleeping soundly, I put my headphones on and turned the volume up. The opening notes struck me, connecting me at once to the 15 year old Lia hidden within. With no shame I sang along and bopped my head to some of my favorite songs. It's amazing how music can not just bring back memories, but feelings; and at a very formative time in my life, the music and message of Rent changed me. In the most Disney-fied way, it broke through my sheltered bubble and showed poverty, disease, heartbreak and hope. The music cemented my love of theater and "no day but today" became my rule to live by. I pictured myself laying in my childhood bed listening to the rent soundtrack in my Discman (look it up kids), like I did on many nights, wondering about my future. Would I be an actress? (no, but I would be in Rent on Broadway once), would I marry Michael Bruno? (no). Fast forward to 2013, watching Rent the movie (they made Rent into a movie?!) and so many of the questions I had, have answers and "no day but today" is still my rule to live by.