I have had a lot on my mind these days. I should add, even more so than usual. I am full swing into a search for a new home in prime Brooklyn. (If you are unfamiliar with the Brooklyn real estate market good for you! It's a nightmare.) I flip flop, wibble wobble and worry about how to navigate my floundering career. (career?) And just underneath the surface of every other consideration is the constant all-consuming thought: is it time for another baby? And this whopper of a quandary, is all wrapped and tangled into those other preoccupations. How quickly do we need to move into a larger space? Am I willing to put baby on hold indefinitely in order to resuscitate a legal career? Or, am I willing to sacrifice career opportunities to expand my family now. I also question whether I am ready to bump Siena from the center of the marquee and make her share the stage a la Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly.
When I discussed family planning with Rob before we even tried for Siena we came up with what we thought was a pretty great game plan. 3 kids 2-3 years apart each. Pop. Pop. Pop. and I'm done bearing children by the young-ish age of 35. Wham bam thank you ma'am. There was logic behind our "we have no kids yet know what we're talking about" plan. By having kids closer in age they would be more likely to form a close relationship. Planning vacations for children closer in age would be easier as opposed to catering to a teen and tot. Also we could have a rough idea when all the kids would go off to school and even off to college and plan accordingly. And we would be looking at an empty nest at a relatively young age which appealed to us.
Well as I said, all of that sounded great to us as non-parents. And as I recite them once again they sound pretty sound even today. But here's the problem, that 2-3 year window snuck up on me and now it's like I'm hitting the snooze button on pregnancy every. single. day.
All reasoning and rationalizing aside I do want to have a baby. I even recently started finding newborns I pass on the street adorable again. (After my traumatic labor and birth experience I used to cringe at the sight of a new baby). But every time I give any serious thought to a brother or sister for Siena, my nose starts tingling and my eyes well up with tears. And since this has been my "all consuming thought" these days, I'm turning into a bit of a party trick. Watch me randomly cry on the train, in the rain, on the street, in the heat. (Apparently I'm also turning into a Dr. Seuss book).
It doesn't make sense. The reason I am pressuring myself to have another child is foremost for the benefit of Siena; to give her a sibling to play with, laugh with, commiserate with and eventually to share the burden of caring for her aging crotchety parents with. But when my thoughts wander to baby number 2 I feel only aching on behalf of my, for the moment, only child. Right now Siena is my favorite child (I've even told her as much), she gets mommy's undivided attention most of the time, and I think she would agree, we have a pretty great thing going. Adding a new kid into the mix seems like a betrayal. She would no longer get my undivided attention, she would no longer be my baby and even if she were still my favorite I could never tell her (that would be wrong wouldn't it?). As I envision life with a newborn I already miss these simpler times and this epic love affair of mother and daughter. It's hard to imagine how adding another child could make my perfect family anything other than less perfect. Does my instinctive crying mean I'm just not ready?
And what does it say about my career ambitions if I get pregnant before, for lack of better phrasing, figuring out my shit? Choosing baby over career now will certainly make it much more difficult to reenter the world of pant suits in the future. But what's the alternative? Start looking for a job now, who knows how long that will take, then get pregnant after working for a few months? And then have hardly any maternity leave and return to work while my baby is still an infant? I am in the extremely fortunate position where I do not have to work in order to contribute to the family finances. Of course any income I bring in would benefit the family but my reasons to return to work would be much more personal. Pride in the work I do, intellectual stimulation, adult conversation and modeling the role of a working woman for my children. I want that for my life. But I have spent the last two years as a full-time mom and agree with others who have said it is the greatest and most important job in the world. I can't imagine not giving my next child the same time and attention I gave my first. But these competing interests do not sync up. "Having it all" is an absurdity. Having it all cannot be my goal since it is not attainable. So which wins out?
I almost want to get pregnant just to stop living this constant ping pong back and forth of job baby job baby job baby. Get pregnant and end this Groundhog's Day of baby on my mind. Get pregnant and let the chips fall where they may.
So that's where my head is at these days. You'll know which side wins out in a few months' time. A baby bump would be hard to hide.
