These Days

I have had a lot on my mind these days. I should add, even more so than usual. I am full swing into a search for a new home in prime Brooklyn. (If you are unfamiliar with the Brooklyn real estate market good for you! It's a nightmare.) I flip flop, wibble wobble and worry about how to navigate my floundering career. (career?) And just underneath the surface of every other consideration is the constant all-consuming thought: is it time for another baby? And this whopper of a quandary, is all wrapped and tangled into those other preoccupations. How quickly do we need to move into a larger space? Am I willing to put baby on hold indefinitely in order to resuscitate a legal career?  Or, am I willing to sacrifice career opportunities to expand my family now. I also question whether I am ready to bump Siena from the center of the marquee and make her share the stage a la Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly.

When I discussed family planning with Rob before we even tried for Siena we came up with what we thought was a pretty great game plan. 3 kids 2-3 years apart each. Pop. Pop. Pop. and I'm done bearing children by the young-ish age of 35. Wham bam thank you ma'am. There was logic behind our "we have no kids yet know what we're talking about" plan. By having kids closer in age they would be more likely to form a close relationship. Planning vacations for children closer in age would be easier as opposed to catering to a teen and tot. Also we could have a rough idea when all the kids would go off to school and even off to college and plan accordingly. And we would be looking at an empty nest at a relatively young age which appealed to us.

Well as I said, all of that sounded great to us as non-parents. And as I recite them once again they sound pretty sound even today. But here's the problem, that 2-3 year window snuck up on me and now it's like I'm hitting the snooze button on pregnancy every. single. day.

All reasoning and rationalizing aside I do want to have a baby. I even recently started finding newborns I pass on the street adorable again. (After my traumatic labor and birth experience I used to cringe at the sight of a new baby). But every time I give any serious thought to a brother or sister for Siena, my nose starts tingling and my eyes well up with tears. And since this has been my "all consuming thought" these days, I'm turning into a bit of a party trick. Watch me randomly cry on the train, in the rain, on the street, in the heat. (Apparently I'm also turning into a Dr. Seuss book). 

It doesn't make sense. The reason I am pressuring myself to have another child is foremost for the benefit of Siena; to give her a sibling to play with, laugh with, commiserate with and eventually to share the burden of caring for her aging crotchety parents with. But when my thoughts wander to baby number 2 I feel only aching on behalf of my, for the moment, only child. Right now Siena is my favorite child (I've even told her as much), she gets mommy's undivided attention most of the time, and I think she would agree, we have a pretty great thing going. Adding a new kid into the mix seems like a betrayal. She would no longer get my undivided attention, she would no longer be my baby and even if she were still my favorite I could never tell her (that would be wrong wouldn't it?). As I envision life with a newborn I already miss these simpler times and this epic love affair of mother and daughter. It's hard to imagine how adding another child could make my perfect family anything other than less perfect. Does my instinctive crying mean I'm just not ready? 

And what does it say about my career ambitions if I get pregnant before, for lack of better phrasing, figuring out my shit? Choosing baby over career now will certainly make it much more difficult to reenter the world of pant suits in the future. But what's the alternative? Start looking for a job now, who knows how long that will take, then get pregnant after working for a few months? And then have hardly any maternity leave and return to work while my baby is still an infant? I am in the extremely fortunate position where I do not have to work in order to contribute to the family finances. Of course any income I bring in would benefit the family but my reasons to return to work would be much more personal. Pride in the work I do, intellectual stimulation, adult conversation and modeling the role of a working woman for my children. I want that for my life. But I have spent the last two years as a full-time mom and agree with others who have said it is the greatest and most important job in the world. I can't imagine not giving my next child the same time and attention I gave my first. But these competing interests do not sync up. "Having it all" is an absurdity. Having it all cannot be my goal since it is not attainable. So which wins out? 

I almost want to get pregnant just to stop living this constant ping pong back and forth of job baby job baby job baby. Get pregnant and end this Groundhog's Day of baby on my mind. Get pregnant and let the chips fall where they may. 

So that's where my head is at these days. You'll know which side wins out in a few months' time. A baby bump would be hard to hide.   

No worries

When I left New York 2 years ago to live in London, my friends asked, only half-jokingly, whether I would return with a Madonna-esque hybrid American-British accent. I, only half-convincingly, said 'no way', my Brooklyn twang too wrapped in my identity to change. But I couldn't know then just how living abroad would change my accent, or my outlook.

Flash forward 2 years to today, moments ago, when  during a quick exchange at nursery drop-off the manager apologized for a miscommunication and I naturally replied, 'no worries'. I remember Rob and I, new arrivals in London, mocking waiters, bank tellers, shopgirls, Starbucks baristas and everyone else for their over use of that very phrase. You would be amazed by how frequently and in how many contexts 'no worries' is thrown around. Seriously. I'm not sure how long ago it became part of my regular vernacular but there it is. Now as I sit and write this random reflection I worry that it won't remain with me.

I can say with certainty that I return to NY with my Brooklyn-American accent in tact. However, I have adopted some rather British words and turn of phrases which sound a bit off when spoken all 'New Yawky'.  Nevertheless, I love my new lingo, some of which better express a particular mood or moment than any one word I had before. And I already stress that I will lose these words when they are no longer part of the soundtrack of my life.

But an enhanced vocabulary is just one outward manifestation of the many ways living in London has enhanced my life. I hope to continue learning from this journey long after I've settled back into a New York state of mind.  I must accept I will likely switch from saying flat to apartment, lift to elevator, and buggy to stroller. But I will find comfort in the knowledge that losing those words does not erase this experience, it does not undermine it's impact, and will not diminish the lasting impression it has made on my heart.

Britain Baby Brooklyn

I stare at the computer screen. I read the words "...I am thrilled to present to you our formal offer letter." Rob wants me to read through the terms of the agreement which offers him a job in New York City. (Apparently I was once a lawyer and did in fact study contract law.) But the words are blurred on the page as the many thoughts simultaneously racing through my head cloud my vision. Then I see the start date. June 30. It is nearly April. I quickly do the math to calculate when this moment, this experience, this world we created in London would be just a memory. Is it even real now? It feels like the floor is shifting beneath me. This has all been an act in a play and soon the sets will be taken down, lights fade to black. I look around the room now taking mental pictures of everything my eyes meet. The grain pattern of the wood floorboards whereupon 18 months ago I paced back and forth in early stages of labor. The spot on kitchen counter where Siena always sits when acting as sous chef. I can't bring myself to look in Siena's nursery. Or to think of the tidal wave of emotion I will feel closing the door for the last time on the first place she'll ever call home.

I've been expecting the news of a job offer for weeks, actually in a way from the time we arrived in London. But my reaction I could not begin to predict, as much as I tried. My instinct is to write. To put fingers to keyboard in hopes that the free flow of words eloquently articulates what my muddled mind finds difficult to process. I am very much a live in the present type of person which actually makes me more emotional when closing a happy chapter in my life because often the final words are "goodbye" rather than "see you later." I find looking back painful because I know I could never replicate those remarkable, life affirming, character building experiences. I remember hugging my friends in Buenos Aires and boarding the plane back to NY after 6 months living abroad. I had held it together as we said our goodbyes but as soon as I put my carry on in the over head compartment and settled into my seat I crumbled.  Yelping to catch my breath through audible sobs the flight attendant asked if I was leaving my family behind. I replied, "no, I'm going back to them."

Yet there are two vital differences which distinguish all my prior experiences from this one, and their names are Rob and Siena.  So maybe this act in my play is ending but the principal players remain bringing with them the heart of these two years lived in London.

Rob and I each wrote our own wedding vows which we shared with one another for the first time at the ceremony. By sweet coincidence we both ended our vows with these words, "when I am with you wherever we may be, I am safe, I am loved and I am home"

Well New York, we're coming home. 

The Half Birthday

Today Siena turns 18 months old. Tomorrow she will be closer to her terrible twos than her days as an innocent infant. Given that I tear up when she eats all her vegetables and weep when she says a new word (slight exaggeration) you'd think this milestone would have me an emotional wreck, but I am uncharacteristically cool calm and collected about the whole thing. (Stay tuned for a follow up post when I ultimately lose it). No, I'm not playing John Legend's, Where Did My Baby Go on repeat. I took her to nursery and later we will go to the park, we'll make animal sounds, practice our colors, she'll say no when she doesn't like the snack I chose for her instead pointing to the banana she sees in my bag which is what she really wants. She has words, she has a will, she's a little girl. Does this nonchalance over a half birthday mean that I have accepted that time will not stand still? That I'm ok leaving her baby days behind? Probably not. 

But lately I've been thinking, although Siena's baby days are numbered that doesn't mean my days as a parent to a baby are.... This is not my way of announcing I'm "with child". It may, however, be a way of saying an announcement won't be far off. It turns out I'm not nonchalant about this milestone at all. I can't recapture the early days with my first and suddenly I find myself jonesing to experience them with a second. Of course the thought of having two kids scares the bejesus out of me and I'm not about to pull the trigger (get it?) without giving it A LOT more consideration. Yet, perhaps not so coincidentally, as Siena shifts from tiny to tot I feel a shift of my own. So, forgive me if you see me staring gaga at your newborn at Starbucks, at the park, in the library; it's just that, suddenly your babies are so much more adorably delicious. Coincidence? I think not. 

Siena, today. 18 months old. 

A New Meaning to Mess

My house is a mess. I don't mean it's a mess now, in this moment, although it is in fact a mess right now. I mean it's always in a state of mess. Or in a post-mess/pre-mess state. It's not that we don't clean, we do, and even have professional help once a week, but you'd never know it looking around my flat. I'm like the people who go around the ice-skating rink sweeping water to make the ice glossy and smooth while hundreds of skaters line the perimeter just waiting to sink their blades back in. Siena is my hundreds of skaters, but she's arguably more destructive. 

During the day attempts to straighten are humorous at best. Siena gravitates towards whichever toys of hers I'm picking up and insists they would be better suited splayed across the floor. Blocks, flashcards, books, puzzle pieces, thrown like confetti right out of the box I so neatly tucked them into.   And, oh the mess she creates at meal times! The girl has a future in shot put and gets all the training she needs hurling my carefully crafted meals across the room. Did I mention she has 4 meals a day? After Siena's gone to sleep I can finally clean in peace but I typically do this begrudgingly, exhausted and ultimately succumb to the draw of pinterest, netflix, facebook or my soft pillow before it all gets done. But tonight as I was sweeping under Siena's high chair I found something that instantly put a smile on my face. 

This morning Siena and I made some delish pancakes (cinnamon, chocolate chip with bananas) and in the process she grabbed 2 of the measuring cups (those stacking measuring cups that come in a set of four) and had herself a new favorite toy. She marched from room to room banging them together, sat and practiced stacking them, put other toys in them, poured some of her water in them and drank from them. These cups kept her entertained all morning until finally one ended up under her high chair for me to later find. I then looked across the room and saw her bumble bee rider in the corner of the living room. Mr. Bee as he's known to us, lives in Siena's room, but not today. Today, Siena pushed and pulled that bee into every room of the flat saying, "buzz buzz buzz bee bee". It was quite an adventure. She must have lost interest or tired out in the corner of the living room where the bee now rests.

Now for the first time, as I scan the room I don't just see mess, I see the footprint of a happy, energetic, curious little girl with a developing imagination. Leave it to a new mom to find sentimentality in a disaster area; but it's true, this mess tells the story of a day in the life of my little girl. Every toy that's out of place was cast in her mini-adventures, exploration, learning, and discovery. And tonight in a moment when it's just Rob and me curled up on the sofa and we pull a grape out from in between the cushions we'll know Siena's sticky fingers had been eating grapes there and we'll smile. It's not just the two of us anymore, this is Siena's home as much as ours and she's taken a liking to redecorating, just like her mama.   

I still haven't found where she left the other measuring cup, but when I do I'll smile. 

Siena the sous chef and the meaningful measuring cups

Pre-Mess

A Typical Mealtime Display (I am working to make this a thing of the past!)

The Transition

Last week when I went to pick Siena up from nursery, her keyworker told me that Siena was ready to move to the 18 month to 2 year old group and they would begin the transition right away. I was not expecting that. Later, I brought Siena to the doctor for a bad cold and the doctor began to refer to her as baby but quickly corrected himself and said little girl. Defensively, I corrected his correction, "she's still a baby".

Back at home I told Rob that the nursery wanted to move Siena up but that I wasn't sure she was ready. "She's not even 17 months old and she's so happy where she is." Even as I said the words, I knew it wasn't true. It's me who isn't ready for "the transition". Siena's a walking, talking social butterfly and being around the older children will only support her development. I felt embarrassed that I thought for a moment to hold her back. But these mini-milestones are coming so quickly now. I remember when she was just a few months old and I'd have her sitting in her Bjorn chair with a toy across the front and I would show her every day "these are your hands, now reach reeach reeeeach for the toys". She would just stare blankly and I wondered when it would ever click.

Now she reaches at will for toys, snacks, the phone, the remote. Last week she successfully called emergency services and I had to convince the operator that the only emergency was to keep Siena away from the phone. Another day I was watching something on TV (let's say the news) and Siena came over, took the remote, pointed to the tv, said "Peppa Pig" and changed the channel to....Peppa Pig! Even she couldn't believe her luck!

There will always be part of me that wants to freeze time and keep my baby a baby. But for each sweet moment I will never experience with her again there are so many more magical moments I will. Siena may hardly rest like a mush in my arms like she did as an infant, but now she hugs with such purpose and intensity I'm compelled to lean in and whisper, "I love you too".

This transition and countless more to come - both mini and major - are inevitable. So I'll continue to remind myself that it is OK to use these moments as a time to reflect and reminisce while finding comfort in the knowledge it keeps getting better.

A Quiet, Lazy, Remarkable Day

Today was a quiet Thursday. It was the second day of the tube strike in London and although I rarely take the tube, the traffic is ridiculous and the buses overcrowded. Siena's also just getting over a nasty cold so a day spent in PJs seemed justified. We generally begin our lazy days in the flat watching Peppa Pig over breakfast (Siena sings along with the theme song), then reading stories (The Tiger Who Came to Tea, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Shh Don't Wake the Royal Baby, and Moo Baa La La La are her favorites at the moment), followed by dancing to the UK top 40, skyping with Grandma, puzzles, blocks, dolls, football (playing not watching) and a long bath, baby massage and teeth brushing before bed. 

I also do a lot of home-cooking on days spent indoors. Today as I was making Siena's dinner I noticed something remarkable but at the same time completely quotidian. The UK has food labeling regulations that require the food to specify its place of origin and as I slipped the chives out of their package I noticed they had come from Ethiopia. They were so fresh and a crisp bright green. In that moment I imagined the crops where they were grown, the farmers cultivating them, the factory packaging them, the trucks hauling them, the planes shipping them, and the distributors delivering them to the local grocery across the street from my flat where I purchased them for under 2 pounds. I started to look at the other ingredients I was using. In that one meal Siena had  tenderstem broccoli spears from Kenya, jacket potatoes from Cornwall, sweetcorn from Senegal, chives from Ethiopia, parsley from Spain, Parmesan from Italy, and raspberries from Morocco. Isn't that incredible? 

A lot goes into planning a well-balanced diet for a toddler. I've struggled with weight and healthy eating my entire life and I want Siena to have an early education in nutrition. Knowing where your food comes from is an important element in building a healthy relationship with food and will set her up to make better nutritious choices, to be less wasteful, more conscientious and appreciative of the source, quality and value of her food. 

Although I knew generally that my food came from all over the world, it takes on a different degree of awareness to see the origin of each ingredient printed in large font. I learned a lesson on this otherwise routine weekday, one that I hope will benefit my family - breakfast, lunch and dinner. 

The remarkable chives

First time I made Jacket Potatoes - verdict: Yum!

Eating healthy corn on the cob at 8 months old

My 2013

2013 was an exceptional year for my family of three. Siena started the year unable to sit and ended the year walking. I started the year unsure of myself as a new mom and ended it a confident, multi-tasking Mama. Rob was searching for work-life balance at the start 2013. One year later he's proven you can kick-ass at work and still be a hands on dad and attentive husband. 

I could sum up 2013 in 3 words: travel, child, instagram 
....but I'll elaborate.

Travel.
We exceeded our ambitious expectations for travel with trips  all over Europe and the UK. Belgium (Brussels, Antwerp,Bruges), Scotland (Edinburgh, Inverness, Isle of Skye, Glasgow, St. Andrews), France (Paris x2, Aix-en-Provence, Cassis, Marseille, Orange, Avignon, Eze, Grasse, Menton, Vaison-la-Romaine), Finland (Helsinki, Porvo), Italy (Genoa, Portofino, Cinque Terre, Comogli, Bobbio), USA (New York City x2, DC), Spain (Barcelona), England (Windsor, Canterbury, Brighton, Levenham, Winchester, Dover, Stonhenge, Stratford Upon Avon, The Cotswolds), and  Austria (Vienna). We tasted local specialties at every opportunity indulging on waffles in Belgium, crepes in France, pasta in Italy, and haggis in Scotland.  We saw breathtaking natural wonders - the White Cliffs of Dover, the back roads of the Isle of Skye, rolling hills of the English countryside; incredible architecture - La Sagrada Familia, The Glenfinnan Viaduct, Winchester Cathedral; historic landmarks -Stonehenge, the Eiffiel Tower, Shakespeare's birthplace; and participated in local traditions- the Royal Ascot, Proms in the park, a Kentish wedding. And  we were able to do all this with an infant. Traveling with an infant presented its own set of challenges but we considered Siena an equal participant in our travels rather than an obstacle and were mostly grateful for the ways she shaped our experiences. We slowed our pace and typically hectic itineraries and opted for picnics and playgrounds over long restaurant lunches. The year and all its adventures even inspired me to write a book about travel with infants which is currently a work in progress. It hasn't been restful and flying alone to the US and back with Siena was legitimately traumatic but what an unforgettable year it has been.  Inspiring, fulfilling, enlightening and joyful, a year of travel, a beautiful way to bond our first full year as a family of three. 

Child. 
In 2013 I devoted all I am to raising Siena. I chose not to go back to work but worked every day instead on giving Siena well-balanced meals comprised of all 5 food groups, bringing her to swim lessons, baby massage, rhyme time and nursery. Reading her stories, singing her songs, building blocks and throwing balls. Going for walks to parks and playgrounds, museums and libraries. I gave her 1 bajillion kisses and told her I loved her a bajillion times more. I made sure her bath was the perfect temperature and her bow always matched her outfit. I saw her sit for the first time then crawl then take her first steps. I listened to her first words - good girl - and held her for every  vaccination and trip to the A&E (ER).  I fed her her first solid food - banana, which she was not a fan of and encouraged her as she learned to feed herself with a spoon. I changed gravity defying nappy explosions. I vaguely remember what sleeping in means. I'm not quite sure I counted higher than 10 in the past year but I counted from 1 to 10 infinity times.  I cherish the privilege I had to be a stay at home mom and did not take a day for granted or the responsibility lightly. Siena is now ready for more independence from mommy and I am ready to focus more on projects gratifying to the non-mommy me. This year I hope to make that transition and I'm nervous yet hopeful about where these changes will take us.

Instagram
Oh instagram, how do I love thee? let me count the ways.  You've allowed me to share this adventure in real time. You have reconnected me with old friends and introduced me to new ones. You've allowed family and friends to feel a part of my world though I am very far from most. You have acted as  a memory book, journal, photo album. You keep record of when things were posted so I can always look back and see when Siena started to crawl or ate her first french fry. You've provided dummy-proof filters so I can feel like I'm actually adding some artistic value to images and of course flattering lighting when I need it. You have a love/hate relationship with Rob, who hates when I stop to take pictures then asks me to send them to him so he can use them for his screen savers at work (he has 4 computer screens at work). You have been a fun hobby. Even when you are not around I now see the world in capture worthy frames, appreciating details of my surroundings that may have otherwise gone unnoticed. 

2013 A Year in Instagram Pics

England

Buckingham Palace

The Royal Ascot

Stonehenge 

The White Cliffs of Dover 

Touring Stratford-Upon-Avon 

Shakespeare's birthplace  

On the river Thames at low tide

Paris

 Scotland 

Edinburgh Castle 

Glenfinian Viaduct

Dunvegan Castle 

 New York

Rockaway Beach (1st touch of an ocean)

Luna Park, Coney Island

Finland

Suomenlinna

 Provence

Cassis

Vaison-la-Romaine

Lavender Fields 

Italy

Genova

Cousins

Menton (technically France)

Barcelona

Light reflected from the Stained Glass,
La Sagrada  

Air BnB

Gaudi Rooftop

Halloween (Peter Pan)

New York 

Thanksgivukkah

Goofing Around Town 

Kinder-Museum, Vienna 

Kensington Palace

Hogwarts

Playground at La Sagrada Familia

Playground at Sacre Coeur

Christmas

My Unapologetic Song of Praise to My Daughter, Siena.

I spend a lot of my time tempering my expression of enthusiasm about all things Siena-related. I think a lot about the fact that although her  bowel movements are fascinating to her father and me they are uninteresting and displeasing to just about everyone else. After living in baby-crazed Park Slope for many years as a non-parent, I am keenly aware that the importance one gives to his/her child is generally not shared by the greater society, for example, those two friends catching up over coffee who are not amused by the hyperactive tot running back and forth in the cafe. When Siena does something clever I put it in perspective, reminding myself this is a perfectly normal skill for a child of her age.  I do not hold back my praise to Siena and tell her several times a day that she is smart, clever, fun, funny and beautiful (in that order), but I otherwise tone it down. When catching up with friends I talk about Siena but I don't focus on her. I'll generalize, saying things like 'she's wonderful', 'talking  now and walking', 'she can kick a ball'. In truth, to me she isn't just wonderful, she is magic!  And when I catch myself gushing  I quickly throw in some frustrating aspect of parenting, like she hasn't been sleeping well or she chucks more of her food on the floor than she puts in her mouth at meal time. Maybe it's because I am guilty myself of having judged other moms for speaking of their children like they are the Second Coming of Christ. I'd  smile politely but really want to tell them to reel it in and get a grip. But the truth is I feel the same way about Siena. There are billions of kids in the world, they can't all be the  best, right? But in fact, they are all the best or at least should be in their parents' eyes.  I don't think this brief reflection will change my approach to discussing Siena, I will continue holding back when I am actually bursting for fear of sounding obnoxious. But I will appreciate instead of critique my starry eyed mom friends because they are doing just what they should be doing, falling in love with their children. 


For the record speaking from the heart, Siena, you amaze me. You are a genius and you are perfect. You are funny and gorgeous. You are the embodiment of joy. Your smile can cure disease and your laughter can stop war.  You are all that is right with the world. You are smart, you are clever, you are fun, you are funny, you are beautiful and I love you! 


You have a strong will of your own but you also listen and respect when mama tells you 'no'. You say thank you and always try to share your food and toys.  You are affectionate, kissing all your toys and characters in your books. For a 15 month old you have an incredibly long attention span getting absorbed in stories we read cover to cover. You love to sing and you sing happy tunes to yourself every day.  At nursery, you sang a song and all the other  babies stopped to listen. You love bath time and will splash and laugh until the water gets too cold and you have to come out. When you are happy, you express it with your whole body, flailing your arms, kicking your feet and squealing. You are so curious and interested and excited by new places and discoveries. You are a people person and feel quite comfortable approaching other kids to play. You love when mama chases you. You love to play with balls and cars and babies. When I speak to you, I can see in your eyes you understand, when I tell you you are smart you give me a bashful smile and when I tell you I love you, you know it's true.  Mama and Dada are so proud of you. You surprise us everyday by your cleverness.  You bring us joy we have never felt before.  We love you, our girl.

Have a Royally Great 2014!

For years Rob and I have discussed our desire to send out holiday cards to family and friends. We really enjoy receiving cards each year and appreciate the thought and effort behind them. But the holidays would creep up and I never got my act together in time to send anything out. After Siena was born I felt a more pressing need to spread holiday cheer by way of a card with a cute baby pic and cliched if not clever festive phrase. But sending holiday cards was my lowest priority just two months after Siena was born. She was still in a harness to correct her hip dysplasia and we were still going back and forth to the doctors to check her abnormal kidneys. I was still very much wearing pregnancy pants and barely on the other side of severe baby blues. So the holidays came and went without our personal greeting. This year should have been different but as the holidays approached I had a card idea in mind I could not shake but also could not execute. Instead of scrambling for a back up plan I let the holidays come and go and with each card containing a little cutie that slid through our mail slot I was hit with a slight pang of guilt and regret. I decided to ask a photo savvy friend to help with my card idea even though it's too late to make the 2013 season. Although the card never reached your door know our sentiments and wishes remain for a happy and healthy new year and lots of love your way! 

XO, 

Lia, Rob and Siena Kate

P.S. My New Years resolution is to get a head start on holiday cards for 2014.