Every day, several times a day, for the past 6 months I have said to myself, I am a mother, I have a daughter, she is real, she is here, she is forever. I say it as if pinching myself, this is not a dream. I am fascinated by every hair on her head (and there are many), her smell and movements, and expressions. I cry when I think about her sweet innocence. I want to shield her as long as I can from the scary bits of the world. I can't be sure of what she does know at 6 months old but she does not know war. She does not know disease, or poverty, or jealousy or bullying, politics or global warming. She has laid in the grass and tasted banana, listened to the Beatles, seen snow and sun. And above all she does know love because her dada and I shower her in it when she is awake and when she is asleep.
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The saying "what a difference a day makes" has never felt as meaningful as it has since I became a mother. The changes in Siena from one day to the next are both subtle and dramatic; from her growing hair and lashes, her 2 new teeth, discovering her toes, to eating her toes, eating potatoes and broccoli, recognizing her mama and dada, rolling over, sleeping on her tummy, reaching with purpose, finding her voice. Her smile which seemed to never come now melts the heart of everyone she meets and her laughter is the sweetest sound ever uttered. She loves to stand, and to dance with mama and dada to hip-hop, house, and the UK top 40.
Less transparent but equally profound are the daily changes in me since the birth of Siena. Six months ago I became a mother. Although the title was thrust upon me on September 18, the meaning did not resonate. I was terrified, insecure, having trouble feeling a bond with Siena, depressed. I wanted my pre-baby life back and worried I would never feel like myself again. Today, I own the title mom, I wear it with confidence, competence and pride. I am madly in love with my daugher, and I'm happy. I am having a love affair with London, making true friendships and realizing I will never get my pre-baby life back but will learn to strike a balance between motherhood and me. I haven't gotten there yet.
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Last week Rob and I went to an accounting firm to discuss our tax preparation. I did not give much thought to this errand but when I walked into the office building in the center of London I became immediately self-conscious. I walked in to reception and was greeted by women in heels and tailored clothes with brushed hair. I looked down at my ripped stretched out jeans and shirt adorned with fresh spit up and felt uncomfortable and out of place. The past several months I have been living in a 1950's bubble. My life consists of going for walks, meeting other mums at Starbucks, grocery shopping. I can't even drive here. It's the twilight zone. And I've been so caught up in it I nearly forgot how the other half live. How did that happen so quickly? I felt so disconnected from the women in that office, who go to happy hours and discuss that big promotion. My life is consumed with weaning, teething and nappy rash. How bizarre. I miss professional Lia but the longer I am full-time mom the harder it is for me to imagine separating from Siena. How do women do it?
